Secret thoughts

You know when you feel utterly shit about yourself and decide you don't want to do something because you are fairly sure that this thing will make you feel worse, which in itself is an achievement, so you tell someone how crap you feel and how much you really don't want to do this one thing, and they decide to tell you how wrong you are. They decide to tell you that you're stupid and yaaaaaaaaaaaay you feel so much better! I mean thank you for reinforcing the complete belief I have that I mean nothing and that nothing I ever do is good enough :D

How is it fair that I miss you with all my heart, when you don't even notice I'm gone? You were there for me for such a long time when no one else was, yet I didn't fully appreciate you and took you for granted that you would always be there. You tried your hardest to make me happy, even though you didn't know me. I blanked you when I met you with my distinct shyness. I miss you so much it hurts. I love you. I've tried to convince myself I don't. But I do. I miss you and I love you. I don't know you or your heart but your complete willingness to be what I needed or to try your hardest to be all you could and caring so much for those who meant the world to you made me love you. Makes me love you still. And I don't care if this doesn't make sense. I don't care if you never know or understand. I don't care if the world doesn't understand. I LOVE YOU. And you have forgotten I exist. How is that fair?

Every time I think of you,

I see the pain that you cause yourself and me.

I want to hold you tight,

To keep a world of pain at bay.

I want to push the worries and fears that haunt you,

Away from all you hold dear.

I want to kill you for what you've done,

For the way you delt with things.

I want to let you rot in a deep dark cellar,

With the life you have chosen to live.

But how can I care so much and so little,

How can I make sense of what you make me feel.

You make me sick to the depths of my heart,

But how could I live without you?